We all vent. And we all complain. Two actions that can look very similar to the casual observer. But make no mistake, the difference is not all in the eye of the beholder. They are not the same thing. The distinction is crucial because one behavior can improve mental health while the other decreases it. 

Venting typically happens after an upsetting event has transpired. You are compelled to share the experience and how you felt about it. By doing so, you benefit from discharging those emotions, and the person you confide in responds empathetically, you often feel better. You’ve been heard, validated, and able to release the experience and continue with your day. 

Maybe your friend even suggests another way of how you could look at that situation and respond. You consider it and think it might even work! When you vent, you want to be understood. But you’re also open to the viewpoint of others about what happened, even if it differs from your initial assessment.  

On the other hand, complaining involves discussing an upsetting event repeatedly, regardless of how empathetic others may be. You want people to agree completely with your perception of the event. You’re not open to other perspectives or solutions because you can’t contemplate another interpretation or outcome. Each time you revisit the story, your negative feelings persist or worsen, and you may dwell on the situation, fostering resentment and blame towards those involved.

Venting can be generative, leading to new solutions or an improved outlook on the situation. Whereas with complaining, your ideas become more fixed, as does your mood. 

For example, let’s say you’re on call, you just got home, and the hospital calls you back for an emergency. You didn’t even get to eat or walk the dog. You’re frustrated and hungry, so on your way to the hospital, you call a friend and express your frustration. By the time you reach the patient’s bedside, you might still be hungry, but often the frustration and anger have dissipated. 

Versus, when you’re on call and mention to someone that every time you’re on call you get called back in before you can even eat your dinner. It’s so frustrating and you're so tired of it. You continue to ruminate about it the rest of the day and the frustration, anger, and stress continue to expand. 

So, when you find yourself upset about a situation, get curious and consider your intentions for sharing.

Why do you want to be heard? 

Are you open to suggestions?

Or, do you just want to be agreed with?

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