I had a client recently who has been paying attention to where her people-pleasing gets her into trouble. A lot of people in healthcare have people-pleasing tendencies. Training teaches you to put the needs of others above your own. You are rewarded for it. It becomes a habit to expect to disappoint yourself rather than risk disappointing someone else, whether that person is a teacher, patient, or personal relationship.

This client fears patients being mad at her, so she says yes adding people onto her already booked schedule and then gets resentful about missing lunch, not having time to chart, or staying late to accommodate them. This resentment sometimes leads to frustration and even anger. 

She notices that she wants to show up for people “so they’ll like me”. Wanting to be liked is a normal human desire, and I don’t want to pathologize it. But sacrificing your needs repeatedly and beyond your capacity can get you into trouble. With yourself, at the very least, but also with others if that trouble explodes out of you at inopportune times and/or is inappropriately directed.

Like most physicians, she desires to be of service. That’s her first impulse most of the time. But when her desire to be of service comes in conflict with her own needs, she often has trouble deciding what to do.

When it’s a clear and clean no, she's able to make the decision and move on. But other times, she just feels obligated. When she feels obligated or guilty, her thoughts keep spinning about what the right option is. In these instances, when she finally decides to say “no”, she experiences relief from the spinning thoughts as well as the burden. 

So take a pause to consider:  What’s the purpose of the action you’re taking?  What are you trying to create or avoid? Is it to be of service?  Are you doing it for your image or your needs?  Are you afraid of what “people” will think about you?  How do you feel when you make the choice?  What happens after the choice is made?

The answers to these questions will help you sort out what’s in alignment with you and what isn’t at this time.

It’s also important to permit yourself to make mistakes while you’re learning to be more discerning.

You likely won’t always get it perfect and that’s ok. It is all part of learning how to balance meeting your own needs in addition to those of others.

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